Shame on You or I’m Here for You: When Parents Face Pornography
@audreycfrankShe just had a feeling. It was that mother-gut, knowing feeling that words just can’t quite explain. Such a feeling is weighed and measured in units of anxiety and apprehension, intangible but real. Something was wrong, and her son was trying to hide it.
Climbing the stairs, she said a quick prayer. Lord, please reveal whatever I need to know. As she opened the door to her son’s room, he quickly slid something under the covers, eyes avoiding her gaze, lips mumbling a weak explanation.
The carefully laid household rule that electronic devices were not allowed in bedrooms had been ignored. The temptation was too great.
Seizing the phone concealed in her son’s blankets, the mother turned on the screen. Images she could never unsee glared at her, mocking her faith, her parenting, her son’s purity. Slinking past internet nannies and browser blockers, a stranger posing as a friend had enticed her son to join an x-rated chat group.
Digital pornography had crept into her home like a thief. Now it boldly looked her square in the face like a squatter refusing to leave.
Screaming on the inside, she tried to calm her outside and took a deep breath. A million responses crowded in her mind, demanding to be first out of her mouth. Anger, shame, rage, fear, disappointment, FEAR! Fear was gaining a strong lead on the others. Images of her son’s future paraded across her mind’s eye, threatening to destroy it.
Now was the moment of truth. This mother had a choice.
She could yield to the forceful emotions overwhelming her and speak shame upon her son, or she could entrust herself and her child to the Lord and speak compassion. What would she choose? Could she garner enough self-control to carefully consider her words, creating a safety net for her son? Or would she let fear win at the risk of losing him?
Her son sat, head hanging low, immobilized by humiliation and embarrassment. Tears silently coursed down his cheeks.
He is already paralyzed by shame, she realized. Taking another deep breath, she reached out to him and embraced him.
Her hot, salty tears joined his own as she made the brave choice to climb down into the trench with her son, to battle beside him, not against him.
Experts say that in this moment of terrible discovery if a parent shames a child, that child will withdraw and build a high barrier. From then on, the chances of him ever trusting a parent with his struggle are slim to none. He will become more isolated, alone with a problem that has the potential to destroy his life.
If, on the other hand, a mother or father in this position chooses empathy and compassion, it dramatically increases the chance of becoming a confidante and support to a beloved child who is facing an enemy too strong for him.
Pornography is pandemic in the lives of youth today. It is hiding in church youth groups, in Christian schools, and in congregations. Let the following statistics settle in for a moment:
- Over 80% of adolescent boys admit to struggling with digital pornography.
- 1 out of 3 evangelical women struggles with digital pornography.
- Close to 40% of all men struggle with digital pornography.
- 25% of all search engine requests are for porn.
- Sunday is the most popular day of the week for viewing porn.
- 2.5 billion emails sent each day are related to pornography.
- 93% of boys and 62% of girls have been exposed to internet pornography before the age of 18.
- 70% of boys have spent more than 30 minutes at a time looking at internet porn.
These statistics were shared by Brian Housman, on his August 8, 2018 podcast “Cyber Bullying, Cyber Porn, Video Gaming” for FamilyLife Today (to listen, click HERE) and in his book, Tech Savvy Parenting: Navigating Your Child’s Digital Life (June 20, 2014, Randall House).
Pornography brings shame on both parents and children. Some parents struggle with pornography themselves, and the discovery that a child is viewing it reminds them of their own secret addiction.
Many parents measure themselves by the behavior of their children. The realization that a child is looking at pornography can make parents feel like failures, frantically searching their minds for what they should have done differently.
Parents and children both choke on the shame they feel, neither able to find a voice to resist.
It does not have to be this way.
Jesus delivers us from shame, no matter how we got that way.
The answer for us and the answer for our children is to run to Jesus. He gave His life to defeat the power of shame, and we do not have to live under its dark power. It has been eradicated, and life is ours through Jesus Christ. Both we and our children need Him.
Though we may feel crushed by the impact of pornography in our homes, the Savior who would honor the broken with healing and restoration was described by Isaiah like this: “A bruised reed he will not break, and a smoldering wick he will not snuff out (Isaiah 42:3, NIV).”
That Savior came as promised, and as Jesus gently, patiently, persistently, healed the sick, Matthew used them to describe him again (Matthew 12:20). He is not a crusher of the hurting. He is a healer.
Jesus does not condemn us for feeling ashamed. He does not call down the wrath of heaven upon us. Rather than force, He exercises gentle strength and authority as He draws near to our trembling frame, huddled as we are in humiliation and fear, and embraces us, whispering, “Stretch out your hand” (Matthew 12:13). And to our amazement, we are completely restored. This is the honor Jesus gives, instead of shame.
Restoration for those struggling with pornography is possible through Jesus Christ.
If you are in this situation, trust God to help you and draw near to your child. Together, stretch out your hand to the Rescuer who removes our shame, trusting him to completely restore what is broken. Get help and don’t do it alone.
Do you have a word of encouragement for parents concerned about pornography? Share your thoughts in the comments below. Someone might need the hope you can bring today.
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